Finding Yourself
by TurquoiseHeart15
Summary: Raven can't control her emotions. at least, she couldn't. but what she finds out, will this change her and the others forever?
1. Chapter 1

**Teen titans- 1**

_hey. this is my 2nd fanfiction story :) im havin' a hard time thinking of ideas for my other story...i'll update as soon as i can. its very hard though because i have school :/ i hope you like. _

_Disclaimer: if i DID own teen titans, i would continue the tv series. But i don't, so i can't. stupid tv people..._

**Raven's POV**

I woke up to another normal day and went through my morning routine. I got out of bed, changed from my black tank top and dark blue sweat pants into my usual leotard and cloak. I went into the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face and comb my hair, which was getting a bit long.

'Oh well' I thought 'I'll cut it soon'

'No don't! It looks so pretty on us!' said Happy.

Ugh. My emotions bugged me sometimes. I simply ignored her.

I stepped out of the bathroom and positioned myself to begin meditation.

I closed my eyes, levitated myself into the air and began.

"Azerath metrion zin-" I opened my eyes as a heard someone knocking on my door.

I put myself down then stood up to answer my door.

"Hello Beast Boy." I said looking into the changelings eyes. I didn't have to look down, just ahead. He had grown so now we were about the same height. He was likely to end up taller soon though.

"Uh, hey raven."

"What do you want?" I asked him, anxious to return to my meditating.

"Well, I was wondering, actually WE were wondering, ya know, all of us titans- um not really wondering but-"

"Spit it out!" jeez. He never stammered when he talked. Well, not usually.

"We're going to the park today at noon. You in?" he said with ease.

I glanced back at my clock. It's around nine. I had three hours to meditate, make some tea and read a few chapters of my book. I suppose that was enough time and I could spare the rest of the day to my friends.

"Sure. See you at noon." I told him as kindly as I could. I started to press the button on my control panel to close my door but I was stopped.

"Wait! Don't you wanna come out and have some breakfast? Or your fancy tea stuff?" beast boy offered, very sweetly might I add.

'I guess I could meditate later...' I thought

'Yes! Let's go have breakfast with bb! He's so cute!' Happy shrieked

'He's not cute. He's annoying.' anger replied

'Um, guys, maybe we should stop arguing, before someone's gets hurt' timid said weakly.

'Cut it out!' I yelled at them 'do you realize how annoying it is to have clones of yourself fighting inside your head? It tends to give you a head ache!' I thought, and left it at that.

"Sure beast boy. And herbal tea isn't that fancy." I said, a slight smile temping to form on my lips.

"Uh, I can um, make it for you. If you want me to. I've seen you make before a bunch of time and I kinda wanted to try it." he said

I was thrown off by his suggestion.

"Uh sure beast boy. I'd really appreciate that." I told him. He could be very sweet at times rather than annoying. And now that I think about it, he's kind of cute...

'What am I thinking?' I told myself. 'I can't love. Or feel any emotion for that matter. He's just my teammate. Nothing more.

'Oh Rae, you know you want to like him. You know you DO like him. There's no escaping us. We're in your mind.'

'I bet he doesn't even like me' timid said

'Uh raven-' intelligence started but I cut her off.

'Everyone shut up!'

'But raven I-'

'No! I'll talk to you later!'

'But I-'

'Enough!'

"Raven? Hello? What are you thinkin' about?" beast boy interrupted my thoughts

"What? Oh, I just am really looking forward to you trying some herbal tea!" I said with a bit too much enthusiasm. "It's really good" I smiled a little bit

"Um, yeah okay. Let's go then." he said slightly confused and also happy.

We went down to the main room and saw Cyborg and robin playing a video game while Starfire was feeding her pet silk worm, silky.

"So first I...?" beast boy asked, referring to the making if my tea.

"Boil some water in the tea pot." I told him. A smile was fighting to form across my face as I watched him attempt to make tea. He wasn't as clueless as I thought he'd be.

"Okay so I just leave it there?"

"Yes. You have to be patient."

"Pshh. I can do that." he looked back at the pot and then at me. "How long have you been drinking this stuff?"

"Since I was little, I guess."

"That's cool." he said

I looked at him. He smiled at me. I smiled back at him and a light in the hallway shattered.

That's what happens when I feel. Ya know. Emotions. It's uncontrollable.

"What was that?" robin asked, pausing his video game.

"Uh that was me. Sorry." I told them.

They all gave me confused looks. Thankfully the water was ready.

"Uh beast boy, the water is boiling."

He was staring at me until I said that.

"Oh. Right. So, now what?" he asked me.

"Get two cups and two tea bags."

He did as he was told and set his materials on the counter in between me and him.

He did the next step on his own. He took the water and poured some into each of the cups. He put the tea bags into the cups correctly and handed me mine.

"Did I do that right?" he asked

"Yes." I answered. I smiled I little bit again. This time a window shattered. Ugh. I need to meditate.

"Raven is something wrong?" robin asked me

They knew the window shatter was because of me.

"No." I lied. "I just need to go to my room. I'll see you in a few hours." I told them all as I floated to my room.

When I got there I started to meditate.

"Azarath Metrion Zinthos." I chanted as I entered my mind.

"Why am I acting like this? What's our problem?" I asked myself, to no emotion in particular.

"Beast Boy! Duh!" obnoxious screamed, and then burped.

"Beast Boy? No way." I said

"Uh, shyeah! It's like TOO obvious." said brave.

"It's not that obvious. Don't worry about it." replied truthful

"Look. I don't like beats boy, okay?" I told them all.

"Raven. We need to talk." said intelligence

I gave her a shocked and worried look.

"Don't worry. This is a good thing. Come with me."

Suddenly I wasn't in my mind anymore. I was in a small library. I saw intelligence in her yellow cloak up ahead. She waved me over and I followed her to a table of many others near some book shelves. We were still in my mind, I suppose because I saw all the different copies of me in their different colored cloaks. I guess I was just in Intelligence's part of my mind. I liked it.

"Okay so what did you want to tell me? Or talk to me about?" I asked my clone.

"Well, I've been meaning to tell you for a while now but I just haven't found the right time. And now that you like beast boy-"

"I don't like beast boy!"

She gave me a knowing look. I simply stared at the ground.

"Well, I might a little..." I whispered.

She smiled. "Wonderful. Now back to what I was saying, ever since your father died the 'demon' part of you has started to fade. In some respects, it will always be there but at this point, it is easily controlled therefore, you no longer have to hide us!" she gestured at the many emotions around us.

"So, what your saying is I can be taught to FEEL again? Ya know, without shattering a window?"

"Yes! Isn't this amazing!" Happy came up from behind me

"Shhhhhhh! This is a LIBRARY!" annoyed told her

Happy simply shrugged and skipped off to a different book shelf.

"At the beginning, it will be tough, considering that from the time you were very little you were taught to hide your emotions. But, we will help you. You can have your friends help to if you wish."

"How could they help me?" I asked her

"Well...beast boy-" she began. Since she was my EMOTION I could here what she was thinking.

"What? No way! I-it-we-no! I could never-we just- no! How could you think that?" I practically screamed.

"It's just a thought. And, I can see your already starting to feel Anger. It's a start." she gave me a weird, smart, knowing smile that scared me a little.

This isn't going to be very fun.

_PLEASE REVIEW! like?_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: hey people! If your still out there...I am so super sorry for being the WORST updater in the WORLD! I normally write through the notes thing on my iPod and I kinda broke it...but no I gotta new one :D also, I'm probably still not gonna be able to update a whole lot because I am super super busy with school and crap. I hope you all forgive me and my blonde-ness :) will these virtual cookies make up for it...? *hands anyone who cares to read this virtual cookies* like em? I made them myself! Well, on to the story that you all have waited months for! *apologizes again...***

Disclaimer: if I owned teen titans, would I still be handing out virtual cookies? Well, probably... That's not my point! I no own! Blah...

**Raven's POV**

"Listen," I started to tell intelligence "I'm feeling a bit...overwhelmed by all of this. I'll come back later. And besides, I'm going to the park. With my friends. To hang out." I said, trying my hardest to sound excited about it. I really wanted out. Like, now!

Intelligence cracked a smile, nodded her head, and disappeared. I rolled my eyes. 'Why am I so weird' I thought.

I closed my eyes, focused, and when I opened them, I was back in my room.

After that, I just wanted to lie down on my bed for a bit. I started sorting through my thoughts. All the things that had happened and the things that I had been told in such a short amount of time. Did I really like Beast Boy? No. I couldn't... It just wasn't possible...

A knock on my door interrupted my train of thought. I got up to see who it was. I pressed the 'open' button on the control panel to see Robin standing in front of me.

"We're leaving soon. Ya know, for the park. Is everything okay?" He questioned.

"Ya. I'm fine." I lied.

"Are you sure? What was with the light and the window...?" He asked, skeptically.

"Oh, that was nothing. I just meditated so I should be fine now" again, a lie. I wasn't sure if I'd ever be okay. Stupid emotions...

He looked at me like he was trying to figure me out. I didn't blame him. I was a confusing person.

"Well, we're going to be down in the main room when you're ready."

"Okay. Thanks." and with that I closed my door and sat back down on my bed. I couldn't figure out what I was going to do. How am I supposed to train myself to _feel_? This was all so strange.

After simply think for a good ten minutes, I decided I'd deal with it later. I didn't necessarily feel like teleporting, so I grabbed a book to read at the park and started my walk downstairs to join my friends.

**Beast Boy's POV**

Raven was acting weird. I mean, weirder than usual. I made her some herbal tea stuff and whenever she smiled at me (yes, _raven_ was smiling. At _me_) something exploded. I know she told us before that she can't control her emotions or whatever, and that's why they're all locked away in her mirror, but you'd think she'd be able to at least SMILE.

I was smiling a lot too. I'll admit I do like Raven. A lot. I haven't told anyone and I've been trying not to make it TOO obvious. But sometimes it's hard. I forget sometimes. I wish there was some way I could help her better control her emotions...maybe she'd even like me back...

'Naaah.' I thought. 'She wouldn't like _me_'

"Are we leaving or not?" Raven asked, standing in the door way to the main room, where the rest of us were.

"Yeah let's go!" I said, hopping up from the couch, along with the rest of my team.

XXX

**Raven's POV**

Beast Boy and I sat in the back of the T-car while Cyborg drove and Robin rode his motorcycle with Starfire on the back.

It was perfectly silent until Beast Boy decided to open his mouth.

"So what was up with all the light exploding and window shattering?" he asked, looking directly. Of course. He just _had_ to talk about that. I broke the eye contact by looking out the window at the passing scenery.

"Yeah Rae, you doin' alright?" Cyborg added to the previously asked question.

"What do you mean...?" I asked them, trying to act oblivious to that fact that my emotions were going crazy.

"Raven. You know exactly what I mean. Did it have anything to do with the fact that you were _smiling_? At _me_?" Beast Boy said, grinning maliciously.

"I still have no idea what your referring to..."

"Rae was _smiling_? At _Beast Boy_?" Cyborg asked in disbelief, trying his hardest to keep his gaze on the road, and not at us.

"Yup" Beast Boy replied, his grin widening.

"Oh look we're here." I said, in a poor attempt to change the subject, although we had arrived to our destination.

We sat down at a picnic bench near a tree and enjoyed some sandwiches. Afterwards Cyborg and Beast Boy threw the football while Robin and Starfire sat under another tree talking about who knows what. They were holding hands so I suspected they were talking about whatever it is that couples like them talk about. Gross.

I decided to enjoy some peace and quiet and read. I went back to grab my book from the car and sat back down at the bench. I read for about ten minutes, and then I simply looked around. This park was beautiful. We had been here before, but I'm just now realizing how lucky I am to have this place. To have all of my friends, as well. I looked over at Cyborg and Beast Boy, still playing with the football. I noticed Beast Boy in particular. His figure seems to become more muscular each day. He is rather handsome, now that I think about it. I felt the corners of my mouth moving upward to form the slightest of smiles. I realized I was still staring at him when he turned to make eye contact with me.

I whipped my head back around, feeling my checks burning. I was hoping he hadn't noticed me, but that was more a wish than anything else. I knew he saw my staring. I heard a slight 'POP' noise. I glanced up to see one of the glass cups had cracked. It wasn't that bad, but the water from it was leaking.

'At least something didn't explode' I thought to myself. I, again, knew this was the effect of my stupid emotions.

"Hey Raven!" I heard Beast Boy call my name. "You wanna play?" he held up the football in his hand.

I considered his offer and decided that maybe being involved in more activities with the others would help my emotions, though I still was not sure.

"Um... yeah. For a little bit." I put down my book and stood up.

He looked at little shocked at first, expecting me to have rejected his offer. But, excitement soon took over.

"Really? Awesome!" he was ecstatic.

I smiled at him and his energetic personality and the football exploded in mid air. The remaining pieces of it fell to the ground.

I looked at what I had done.

"What the heck?" Cyborg exclaimed

"At least it wasn't our nice one" Beast Boy told him.

"Raven, was that you again?" Cyborg asked, a bit of worry in his tone.

"Um. Yes."

"Are you sure you're okay?" He was becoming more concerned by the second.

"I-I'm fine. I'll just go sit down." Cy and Beast Boy exchanged confused glances. I sat against an old tree, closed my eyes and started to meditate.

"Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos. Azarath, Metrion, Zinthos..." I started to chant, quietly. Soon, I was taken to a strange place. Well, not so strange to me, for it was my own mind.

"Why is everything exploding when I smile?" I asked mainly to intelligence, where ever she was. I appeared in the library once again and intelligence was sitting at the same table as before. She waved for me to come over. I did. I sat across from her.

"How can I control what I feel? This is seriously starting to get out of control." I said, somewhat angrily.

"Well, you're angry right now and nothing's happening. You see, your emotions, at this current time, are fairly easy to control. The one you are particularly having trouble with is one you never speak TO or OF very often. It is your long lost emotion, love."

**A/N: Like? Tell me why! No like? Tell me why! (except, I bruise like a banana, so watch the criticism. But I defiantly need feedback!) ps, those who didn't read the author note up there, HA! No virtual cookies for YOU!**


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: sorry again guys for being the worst updater. Ever. I can't believe people are still following this story! Well, I'm glad you are and don't wanna loose you guys ^_^ so I tried my best to get out a good chappy. I dunno...this one was really hard for some reason. I'm having somewhat writers block for this, which stinks because I love it! Well, I'm just gonna experiment with different ideas for the time being! Hope you like!

Chapter three

"LOVE? Are you kidding me? I don't LOVE Beast Boy! I don't even like him! He's annoying, and weird and idiotic!" I was on the verge of blowing up. Love Beast Boy? My mind must be malfunctioning.

"We aren't malfunctioning, Raven. In fact, we're probably working better than ever, with our new discovery and all. And, you would be surprised at how much more we know than you. Especially referring to your feelings towards others. It's quite intriguing." intelligence said with a knowing smile.

I rolled my eyes. "Can I just talk to love? Now? Where is she?" I demanded. The thought at actually talking to love was not one I had considered in a long time. But, in this predicament, it was simply necessary.

Intelligence pointed to a table not far from us were an emotion in a light purple cloak sat, drawing on a piece of paper.

"Okay" I said "Thank you. I'll be back with you later." I glared at her as I walk off. She just shrugged.

I slowly walked over to my long lost emotion. This was sure to be the most awkward conversation ever.

"Um, hello?" I said

"Hello." she looked up from the paper and smiled at me. "We have not talked before. I am love. Please. Sit." she motioned to the empty chair across from her.

She seemed like a mixture of a less obnoxious version of happy and a simplified version of intelligence. But, I had only exchanged a few words with her, so there was no way to be sure.

I sat down, peering slightly at her paper. It was covered in hearts. Oh brother. I looked at it more closely. Written inside those very hearts were 'Raven + Beast Boy' and various thing of the like. Gross.

"Hello...uh...Love" even saying her name was menacing.

"Raven." she said with a nod, then looking back down at her paper. "I think we should discuss some things"

"Yes. There seems to be a huge misunderstanding. You see, I don't, nor have I ever, loved Beast Boy. He's annoying and not even remotely funny and if he's anything, he's my teammate. That's it."

"Raven," she said kindly, making direct eye contact with me "Beast Boy is sweet. He's charming, helpful, caring and at least attempts to be funny. That has to count for SOMETHING. You are becoming closer to him, getting to know him better and better and subconsciously realizing how wonderful he really is" She sighed, dreamily, but continued her little rant. "You are slowly but surely falling for him, even if you want to deny it."

"Well," I said "you better get you facts straight, I know who I love, and it's no one. I don't know what's going on with that girly little head of yours but it's definitely not good! It's screwed up forever thinking for a moment that Beast Boy and I would end up together!" I was getting angrier by the second. Great. That was JUST what I needed.

"Raven. You need to calm down. This may be a little shocking but it's nothing to be upset over." She was so composed. She hadn't looked even the least bit frightened over my little outburst. She hadn't even flinched.

Still, I glared at her.

"Just take a day or so to soak in the idea. Nobody's forcing you to fall for him, it's just happening. And, eventually, you will realize it and learn to accept it. You will realize it IS what you want and what you've been longing for. The reason I'm here is to help you sort out your feelings along the way and keep them under control. This is part of the 'teaching' intelligence was talking about."

"Whatever." I said, rolling my eyes, though listening intently to her every word, mentally making a note of everything she had said. I needed all the information I could get about this weird situation I was in.

After a second, I realized all I wanted to do was get out. I wanted to back to the tree I was sitting under and read my book. "I can't take this." I said. "I'll be back when I can actually handle all of this insanity."

She gave me a nod of approval, even though I would have left without one. I closed my eyes and when I reopened them, I was back in the park, under the tree where I had been meditating.

I looked around and wondered how long I had been 'gone', so to speak. I did realize that my teammates were starting to pack up to leave. Five seconds later, Starfire practically bounced over to were I was.

"Friend Raven! You are done with the meditation! We are in the midst of preparing for our trip back home. Would you like to assist us?" She asked, in her usual bubbly mood.

"Sorry but, I was just about to start reading the next few chapters of my book." I told her. I didn't want to be rude. I just felt so tired to the point where the only thing I really thought I'd be able to do, was hold a book. Which was strange. I'm not normally tired at all. I simply just sleep because I have nothing else to do in the hours of night.

"Oh, do not worry for a moment, dear teammate. We have plenty of hands to help do the working already. I do hope you enjoy your book!" Starfire responded, with a huge smile on her face. I honestly don't understand how one person can be so happy all the time. It just doesn't seem logical.

*~•~•~*

This car ride wasn't as bad as the last one.

It was far worse.

Beast Boy just continued to interrogate me about the recent events of explosions caused by me. I tried my absolute best to ignore him, but one can only ignore up to a certain point. I was about to reach my point.

"Come on Rae! What is UP with-" Beast Boy started to ask. AGAIN. But I cut him off.

"First of all, my name is RAVEN. Get it straight. Second, my powers are far too complex for anyone to understand. Especially you. The simplified version is that they are going out of control, at time being. I want them to go back to normal as soon as possible and for that to happen; I need you to stop being such an IDIOT and stop asking your stupid questions! Got it?"

I didn't completely explode. I just raised my voice a bit. Nobody was cowering in a corner. Nobody looked as if they were going to cry. So we all know I didn't explode. But I definitely know I got my point across because all Beast Boy did was look at me sort of confused, nod and didn't say another word for the entire car ride. It was heavenly.

Too bad it only lasted for about two minutes. By then, we were back at the tower, were Beast Boy was sure to bother me some more.

**A/N: Did you like? Ah! Please guys, I need reviews. If you're taking the time to read this, the least you could do is tell me how I'm doing!**

**If everyone who reads this chapter (whether you have an account or not) reviewed and gave one little piece of criticism, I would have a purpose to get the next chapter out quick and with good quality!**

**Please! I have no one else to tell me these things!**

**I love you all! Do you love me?**

**Review!**

***Kisses***


End file.
